We’ve all heard the experts tell you to compare your relationship to an emotional bank account. No? Well, I’ve read those articles, and I love the concept…but I’m convinced they fall short of truly giving 360º advice that strengthens your relationship in the long-term.

Here’s the theory, plus some of my own practice:

Of course keeping balance in your relationship is paramount to ensuring happiness in your life in general. Balance, by definition means that you are receiving as well as giving, and that your partner feels and does the same.

Compare your relationship to an emotional bank account. In order for there to be balance and not a deficit (and trust me, unbalanced accounts usually end up closing down), there must be both deposits and withdrawals. The experts cover this in depth and with accuracy, but I think they’re missing two very important points.

“Your emotional bank account has two key differences from your financial bank account.”

Not All Emotional Transactions Are Created Equal

Mr. Wonderful and I are pretty savvy about keeping a financial budget in place. We know how that works. In the financial account, most of us receive big deposits on payday, and budget how to use that money in smaller transactions throughout the weeks and months in between without running out or putting your bank balance into the negative.

Your emotional deposits are the exact opposite. When you need to make an emotional withdrawal from your relationship, during a fight, a misunderstanding, or any of life’s small or large situations where you need the support of your significant other, that withdrawal is the largest transaction your emotional account will have during any given time period. If you are frequently making emotional withdrawals without constantly budgeting and adding deposits in smaller ways to keep the balance of the account positive, you will end up in an emotional hole. 

As anyone who has ever fallen into financial debt can attest, it is immeasurably harder to repay and rebuild from a negative balance than it is to maintain a positive account. Think how much harder you’ll work to pay back an emotional balance when there are very few deposits that can ever hope to match the amount of an emotional withdrawal. If you work every day to show your partner that you care and that you value their feelings and your relationship, there will always be adequate emotional support available to you when it’s time to make a withdrawal. 

Learn Your Partner’s Currency

The second difference of the emotional account is a doozy. Let’s say you are withdrawing from your account in U.S. Dollars, but your partner’s native currency and pricing structure is the Euro. This is not a 1:1 transaction.

You need to understand how much each deposit and withdrawal are worth in your partner’s currency if you want to maintain the health of your emotional account. If you don’t know what each different type of deposit and withdrawal is worth to your partner, it’s like going shopping on vacation and failing to account for the exchange rate; you may find yourself in a world of financial hurt when you get your bank statement.

“By making deposits in your partner’s currency, you can avoid any nasty exchange rate surprises.” 

By making deposits in your partner’s currency, aka making sure you are showing that you care in ways that are most meaningful to them, you can avoid any nasty surprises when the exchange rate of your perceived effort doesn’t match their emotional needs. 

At the end of the day, don’t you want the joy and love you and your partner have for each other to match the effort you put in? Why wouldn’t you want to deposit appropriate amounts into the relationship in the ways that mean the most to them?

Sooooooooooo, what are some ways you and your love show you care for each other, and where are you struggling with exchange rates? Tell me.

Maybe we can learn from each other.

XOXO,