I ‘ve been doing quite a bit of work over the past months to figuratively, literally, and emotionally move forward in my life and my career in a way that is sensitive to what I actually WANT out of life. Its been like slogging through thick, Wyoming clay mud. I frequently feel that I’m getting nowhere fast and I’m completely dug into a rut and filthy to boot with all the extra emotions and depression the struggle to be true to myself has churned up. I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong, and also frequently looking to someone else to solve these problems for me. All of this wondering and looking for outside solutions is a circular exercise of self-fulfilling anger and aggression toward myself. Which is exactly the problem.

I forgot that acceptance is not the same as forgiveness.

I made a discovery this week that left me breathless. As much as I have given myself a lot of grace and space to feel what I feel and deal how I deal over the past months, I completely ignored possibly the most important thing I can do for me. I realized I have not forgiven myself for the situation I’m in. I forgot that acceptance is not the same as forgiveness. I tried to pretend that positivity and an outlook toward a positive future was all that was needed to move on from where I was.

I realized, once I started to catch my breath again after this discovery, that I was also still scared of being judged by the world at large. I have been compensating by making sure I still, underneath my new “outlook” on life, had a lingering judgement of myself. It’s far easier to accept the negative opinions of others if you beat them to the punch.

I hadn’t forgiven myself for the financial hole I dug for myself. I hadn’t forgiven myself for “wasting” years of my life on a failed attempt at entrepreneurship. I hadn’t forgiven myself for neglecting relationships that are important to me. It started to become a loop once I opened up the floodgates…I couldn’t even forgive myself for not forgiving myself!

Identifying the Problem is the First Step

In the midst of all this unforgivable unforgiveness, I realized the reason I had not been successful in truly taking the next step is because of the one universal truth relevant to everyone who has ever held a grudge.

Being angry at yourself keeps you tethered to someone that no longer exists, its like being chained to a ghost.

You chain yourself to the person you don’t forgive. You’re not hurting them. You’re hurting yourself. You’re holding yourself back. This is even more heinous of a thing to do to yourself when the person you’re holding a grudge against is a previous version of yourself.

In order to move on, you have to let it go. You can’t change the past, you can only allow yourself to accept it. True forgiveness is not about identifying your anger, it is about freeing yourself from it. In order to unchain yourself, you have to truly and completely let what happened go.

Without Forgiveness, The Only Thing That is Certain, is More of the Same

The consequences of not forgiving yourself are exactly what I’ve been living through for the past few months. On one hand, I’m ready for my future, looking forward, making plans, getting shit done, and feeling positive about life. On the other, I’m tethered to someone that no longer exists, its like being chained to a ghost. No wonder I haven’t made any meaningful strides away from the quagmire of the situation I put myself in. I’m still too busy unknowingly stewing in my own juices being angry about putting myself there.

Ok, acknowledgement is the first step right? Got that one in the bag. Now that my eyes are open, I’m not one to pull the wool back over them and try to ignore the problem. The next step gets a little hairy, but its going to help you get to the other side.

Get Angry

I’m not talking about an ordinary “grumble about it behind your back, hope the former you apologizes” angry. Scream at yourself in the mirror and list off all the things you’re pissed off about that you did to yourself. Don’t rationalize it, or tell yourself you’re going to move on, or pretend they didn’t happen. Experience it with no rose colored glasses or blinders. Be mad.

Its time to stop accepting all of that negative noise as reality.

Once I opened the floodgates, I was MAD. Like, really mad. I was mad I spent so much time running around in circles in my life. I was mad my vision is only 2020 in the rearview mirror (even though I’ve looked in the same damn mirror twice). You’d think I would have learned. Well, it turns out, once I really got rolling on identifying everything I’m angry about, I was also mad at myself for not forgiving myself for the first round of mistakes I made in my 20s, carrying all that unforgiveness with me into my 30s, and remaking the same mistakes.

I was mad for not finding a way to make a horrible job work 5 years ago…because I then wouldn’t have to go through the soul-crushing confidence-annihilating horror of a job search following a second failed startup. I was mad that I lost 3.5 years of my life working all day and all night on something that was doomed to fail in the end. Sometimes its truly exhausting to be in my own head.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

Many of the things I was mad about are only loosely based in reality, of course. But when you’re mad at yourself reality doesn’t always have much to do with it. Feel what you feel, let it out. But don’t internalize it. You’ve already done that. Its time to stop mistaking all of that negative noise for reality. Notice what’s ridiculous and what rings true. Be honest with yourself about what you did, and about what you’re blowing out of proportion. Honesty is the first step to forgiveness.

Now, let it go. You’ve acknowledged how your mistakes or bad judgement or weakness made you feel. There is no longer anything left to be gained by feeling or dwelling in that place any longer. I’m not saying the anger will just dry up overnight. It probably won’t. But you need to accept that these things happened and know that you didn’t do it on purpose to yourself.

It surprised me, once the storm of my formerly repressed anger at myself had passed, exactly how easy I found it to drop the baggage I’d been carrying around like the old, tired trash it was.

Make Sure The Lesson Sinks In

Get back in front of the mirror if you didn’t shatter it with the force of your anger. This is going to feel silly, so you need to keep repeating it until it starts to feel great.

Say “I forgive you” to yourself. Say it until you mean it. You are a pretty special person, and you don’t deserve your anger.

Now, take a deep breath, which should be a hell of a lot easier without all that nasty anger and judgement you’ve been carrying around. Leave the past in the past, and unchain yourself.

Do you think you can find it in you to forgive yourself for your mistakes?

Do you think you can really afford to keep living your life in the same circular loop if you don’t try?

XOXO,