When I was a child, I used to be pretty good at listening to my inner voice. It was my conscience, my compass, and my idea of how to move forward in a world that was overwhelmingly unconcerned with individuality. As I entered adulthood, I thought I was getting smarter and more driven, embarking on a big impressive career in a glossy glamorous industry. What I was actually doing was forgetting how to listen to that voice. I became a professional, an overachiever, and an entrepreneur, and I forgot who I was before the world told me who I should be.

“you create the weight of the world

with all of that which you burden yourself;

it’s you who attaches an anchor to your dreams

when you strive to please and appease others,

rather than giving flight to your very own dreams,

unencumbered by what others might think.”

-Brian Thompson

I ve built brands, created iconic products, and flown around the world doing it. I gave up a huge amount of personal time and money to create a startup that was meant to change the fashion world. I thought that all of it meant something. Turns out, to others, it did. To me, it was less meaningful than it should have been. I ignored that fact, and the loss of self that was increasingly omnipresent with every new achievement, and just worked harder and harder. I had already invested a lot of time and energy into being someone I wasn’t. I thought if I just hit the next milestone it would all start to feel more real, so I kept pushing myself.

Then it happened.

I was standing on a stage in Las Vegas, getting ready to give an acceptance speech for an international award. There were a host of investors in the audience, and I already had an appointment with one of them for later that evening to discuss the funding I’d been chasing for 4 years for my startup. It should have been a pinnacle. It should have been a triumphant moment. Instead, it was the moment my inner voice finally decided it had been ignored long enough, and it spoke up.

“This is not who you are,” it said.

Of course, I continued to ignore it, and I gave my speech, collected my award, posed for my photographs, and went to my investor meeting. But, having finally spoken up, it wasn’t giving up that easily.

“Seriously, this is all wrong.”

It followed me through celebratory drinks, and then the VIP room at the newest, hottest Vegas club experience. My ego tried to drown it out, “Seriously woman, you’re so cool. You’re reaching the heights you always said you wanted. Make sure you capture this in photos, you’ll need to give all your followers the update later.” My finely-honed stress-driven task-master id reminded me that I still had work to do that night by reciting every item from a list of responsibilities that seemed like it never got any shorter or more manageable. I frequently snuck away from the table to check my messages, fire off emails, and freak out over what I needed to do the next morning for my follow up investor meeting.

“I don’t care if this looks like success from the outside, this is NOT who you are.”

“I mean, you’re probably right,” I finally told the voice in attempt to shut it up, “But what does it matter if this doesn’t feel as good as it looks? It looks really impressive, and no one is ever really, truly happy with their job, are they?”

“You’re losing yourself. Its time to stop this” the voice was getting bossier now.

“What do you mean, stop??” My ego spoke up again, “What about money, and everything you’ve put into your career and your business up to this point? What will you tell everyone? They will NOT understand, and there will be nonstop judgement. Furthermore, let’s not forget to mention the fact that it’s going to be nearly impossible to disentangle yourself from all of these obligations and investors and everything else you’ve got going on. You can’t stop now. That’s crazy talk.”

“Just. Stop.”

Your inner voice is loud for a reason

What do you do, when you are finally able to acknowledge you’ve taken yourself down a road that has landed you in Oz? What do you do with the realization that you forgot your ruby slippers and there is no way to just click your heels and magic your sorry ass back out of there to a place called home? When the only mode of operation you know is just to keep dancing forward with a smile on your face, laying new yellow bricks and collecting the laudation of the lollipop brigade because it makes for a good story? What happens when you don’t have your trusty but slightly shabby sidekicks because you effectively ran them off years ago when you stopped using your heart, your courage, and even your brain? How do you defeat the wicked witch and her demons when you realize they are ultimately of your own making?

As for me, I let the voice in.

I thought about what it had to say. It was the kind of uncomfortable self-analysis most of us never bother to do, and it definitely hurt. It was hard. It was unbelievably terrifying.

The voice had an undeniable point, and I was finally ready to acknowledge it. So, you know what? Right there, in Vegas, I stopped. I cancelled my remaining meetings, I got a massage, I went to the pool, and I came home and dismantled my business. I didn’t know exactly what that was going to mean for my sense of self or my future, but I knew if I didn’t do it then, it might just be too late for me to find the strength to remember who I was, and I might be stuck in an Oz of my own making for the rest of my life. I decided that weekend that I’d rather hike back home by myself through a tornado than pretend being in Oz was ever going to work out for me.

Trust Yourself to Know Who You Are

It wasn’t exactly a short or an easy road to “just stop” from where I was the moment I decided I needed to find a way back to who I truly was. It took me some time to fight through the legal and financial tangles that running a startup creates, not to mention the emotional ball of rubber bands I’d let a lot of people wrap around me on the path to that stage and that award in Las Vegas. Keeping myself free and not wrapped in rubber of someone else’s making is likely an exercise I will have to remind myself constantly to continue for the rest of my life.

It was worth it.

It is still worth it.

I realized how deeply I had let my career affect my understanding of who I am, and how far away I had gotten from my true self over the years by letting that world dictate who I should be in order to fit in. I spent some time in a true emotional and logistical limbo…its not like you can just click your ruby slippers and snap back into your childhood. But the essence and the heart of myself were still there, in the motivations of that inner voice. Once I started re-learning how to listen, it was easy enough to know what wasn’t working, and build up from there. Eventually, over time and with the successful untangling of each thread, each restrictive rubber band, I remembered who I was.

Here is what I [re]discovered: 

I am an overtly-complicated smart-mouthed, occasionally sophisticated blonde. I am a rancher’s daughter. I inherited my mother’s wanderlust and love of creative cooking. I am, above all, a storyteller and an adventurer who requires a spirituality and a heart to be present in every endeavor I undertake. I am an artist, a creative, a philosopher, and a dreamer.

I am a quintessential Pisces. I cry at sad movies, and at happy ones. I feel emotions intensly, and love unconditionally those people (and pets) I’ve decided are worth my devotion. I’m deeply, frequently sarcastic, and I never apologize for my opinions.

I’m not necessarily a fashion-phile, a designer, an entrepreneur, a marketing guru, a brand expert, or a bad-ass business diva. I’ve done all of those things professionally, and I may do some of them again, but I now know that I will never again wrap up my identity in the doing of those things.

I have given up being hell-bent on “being somebody” who is meaningful to anyone besides myself. Quite frankly, I’m amazed I had to get so far away from who I am to realize my inner child’s voice had it right all along. There’s a lesson in here for the rest of you, if you care to listen.

Be who you are.

Worry more about staying true to yourself, and less about the weight of the world’s opinions. It turns out, you are enough, just as you are. Those who don’t understand that one simple and profound fact won’t think any more of you for pretending to be someone you’re not.

“People everywhere are searching for the key. Who they are and what their purpose is. I may not know you personally but I don’t care who you think you are or what you’ve done. I know that you are good enough. You are worth it. You are here for a reason. You are fearfully and wonderfully made…You are you.”

– Matthew Kelly

XOXO,