Its been quite a year so far. You look around, and if you are anything like me, you wonder at the ways of the world and of all the people in it. There is so much upheaval, so much loss happening on both a physical and an emotional scale across our nation.

In addition to watching and wondering and worrying about the state of our society, I also experienced a personal loss this spring, and it was like the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. Suddenly, my tolerance for chaos and bigotry, my ability to watch the systemic lack of respect and lack of social decency that has been rampant throughout so many layers of media, instantly crumbled up and blew away like so much dust in the wind.

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So, upon finding myself emotionally adrift, I chose to take a different tactic than my typical coping mechanisms. I took a proverbial breath, disconnected from the day-to-day routines that no longer felt appropriate, and I started working out how to go about re-capturing some peace for myself.

It has always been my opinion that before one speaks or acts or puts anything out into the world, you ought to ensure you are doing so from a well-informed, well-though-out place. And so I went quiet on this and other platforms, and I spent some time with myself working out where that place of peace might be for me. Rather than let what I saw happening in the world around me break me down, I went searching for a place from which I could endeavor to build myself up.

Its amazing what happens when you let yourself have the option to disconnect.

First, You Must Look Within

I have changed. I realized this — and understood the truth of it in the barest sense of the word — a few weeks ago. The change is noticeable in many ways. I have a different perspective on life. A different job. A different industry. A different set of priorities. A different pants size (one I am grateful for, since those jeans I loved too much to give away now have a place in my wardrobe again). A different way of talking to my friends and my spouse and my family. A different way of talking about myself. A different way of putting an outfit together that is a bit less dependent on whether or not I am the center of attention. I have supplanted my stiletto obsession with a newfound sneaker crush, which is perhaps one of the most surprising developments of all.

In many ways, the complete upheaval of our society in 2020 has accelerated this change.

Yet the change I’m referring to goes deeper than all of that. Those changes are still, for all intents and purposes, surface metrics; mere updates to the old routine. The change I’m referring to is systemic, and it is meaningful, and it has required me to fully realize and actualize it by taking some time to step back, analyze, and understand the differences between the new and the old Me.

It was as if a more approachable, more reasonable self was just waiting for that last barrier to break down and allow her to become present. What I found, in my search for peaceful place to stand in the midst of social upheaval, is that I have more capacity for understanding and for loving myself and others than I ever knew. I have more ability to listen, and more patience. I have less of a need for approval, now that I’ve finally discovered a piece of solid emotional ground I feel confident standing on.

I’m going to refer to this silent period as “The Long Pause”. Without intentionally taking this time to adjust to this new way of thinking and existing, I may have very easily just blown right past some of these shifts that have been decades in the making. The pace of your life should really be dependent on your own needs and emotional tailwinds, not on whether or not you can appropriately engage with those around you to show off your accomplishments.

Personal change on an exponential curve

I suppose, in many ways, the complete upheaval of our society in 2020 has accelerated this change for me. It has also given me the necessary space and time to contemplate and accept it. The complete lack of structure and routine this year has given me an opportunity to sit back and revel in a “Long Pause”.

The old me would certainly have noticed a directional shift in my thinking, and then would have taken off in an impetuous new direction without spending time analyzing the what and the why of the currents creating that shift. The realities of quarantine and a less-defined and slower work/life/social balance have given me a lot of opportunity to evaluate where I am and what I am feeling. It turns out, this was the last bit of impetus I needed to rocket up the chart on a curve of exponential change.

I call this change exponential because I feel that it has been slowly building over a decade or more. I have dipped my toes in and out and in again and out again of an industry and a social group that I never really felt part of. I have put significant effort into distancing myself from my childhood and my background as a small town girl. More recently, I’ve spent some time and some effort working to reconcile and connect that background with the fashion guru I worked hard to become but never really felt authentically like. As it turns out, I now feel like all the pieces do fit together, but definitely not into some neat little editorial feature or simple title.

The number one reason I like the analogy of change on an exponential curve is that there has to be a lot of work done up front and beneath the surface before you start to build something with significance on a personal scale. Changing up your style, or your group of friends, or your job title is essentially meaningless if you only do it for likes on this month’s social media platform of choice. The surface metrics might be an indicator of how society views you, but if you allow society to dictate the direction and the purpose in your life, you are only a shell…essentially a nobody with the right trappings to fake being a somebody.

Change On A Circular Path

I could also argue, I suppose, that some of my shift in perspective and acceptance has to do with being the age that I am. But I think it goes deeper than that. Trust me when I say I have examples in my life of various individuals to whom age has not promoted additional wisdom and self-acceptance. This is not just a change brought about by getting older. It is an acceptance of my being. Perhaps the younger me was not capable of fully allowing myself to be how I am. I needed each one of my 35 years to find the intersection between what I want, how I want others to see me, and who I am underneath the surface.

My most significant realization during this long pause for self evaluation is this: I am no longer under the illusion that my life is a race toward a state of “completion”. My life is most comfortable when lived without socially correct boundaries, and I am someone who actually enjoys the meanderings and opportunities that present themselves in chaos. As a matter of fact, without a little bit of chaos, it would appear that I actually can’t move personally forward at all.

I have realized that the most authentic state of my being is a constant state of flux. I like change. I like adventure, and experience, and discomfort — as long as its not too uncomfortable and there’s wine at the end of the day. I like learning new things, meeting new people, and expanding my mind through exposure and understanding of cultures, religions, and socio-economic viewpoints that are different than my own. When I understood and accepted that change is my goal, rather than a phase to be rushed through on the way to something else, that was the moment I started to finally find some inner peace.

At the end of this pause and analysis of self, I found some solid ground to stand on in the knowledge that at heart I am a simple person who has a lot of complex curiosity about the world. I realized I find as much beauty and enjoyment in simple pursuits as I have fascination for intricate acts of fashion, art, and culture. I don’t feel the need to prove my spending ability or taste level through gross appropriation of labels and patronage of hot spots, but neither do I have any tolerance for poor quality or subpar atmosphere. Perhaps I have found it within myself to just be who I am: a rather down-to-earth country girl who has spent a lifetime developing a disposition toward excellent wine, cashmere, and world travel, but can still enthusiastically get down on a basic burger cooked over a campfire or a weekend spent at a bare-bones cabin on the lake.

The Significance of The Long Pause

When I decided to embrace the pause, it was with the intent to take some time to slow down and evaluate my feelings, and doings, and goings-on. Almost immediately, my life leapt forward at an incredible pace, but I decided not to write or post about it until I had fully assimilated and cataloged the newness in both my physical and emotional states. Despite — or perhaps because of — massive shifts in my inner and outer self, it looks like I’ve managed to capture a large portion of the peace that I was searching for even in the midst of massive changes on a personal level.

I stopped looking for an outsider’s validation for anything, much less everything.

I gave myself permission to disengage. I gave myself permission to sit back, notice myself, notice my psyche, notice how people react to me, and I worked hard not to judge what I noticed. That is easier said than done, and there will always be some hard truths I have to face about how others see me. There will be other hard truths I will have to face about how I view the world and those that are different than myself. There will be hard learnings and effort on my part not to let my personal history and viewpoint create a narrative for anyone else I may encounter in my life. That is not easy, and yet it is exponentially easier now than it has ever been before.

I took a pause. I gave myself permission to sit back, and to notice, and to set an intentional direction for how I mean to go on in the world. I gave myself permission to write my own narrative without the need to put it down on paper for everyone else to comment on. If you cannot make a decision without influence from others, can you actually say that you have made an authentic decision? I’m not telling you that you should assume you know everything, but you must give yourself the authority to know who you are and what you want before you seek any outside opinions or advice.

The reason I believe I finally am beginning to understand and accept that I’m not who I used to be, is that I stopped looking for an outsider’s validation for anything, much less everything. Somewhere along the way I started actually having fun in a way I didn’t even know I had even stopped doing in the first place.

Small Shifts That Are Life Changing

I will close with this: Just a few weeks ago, I was walking down the main street of a tiny lake town in a secluded spot in northern Minnesota. It reminded me of my hometown, a place where your high school teachers could accurately and personally compare you and each of your 12 classmates to their parents…because they taught them too.

Last year, I remember feeling trapped and acutely hating having to spend even a weekend in this tiny town that felt like the place I ran from and insisted I had outgrown nearly 20 years ago. Last month, I realized I could appreciate that little town for what it was. I enjoyed the baker who recognized me on my 3rd trip that week for the best donuts I’ve had in a decade (don’t judge). I appreciated that I could walk the entire strip of the main street from end to end in less than 15 minutes. I liked that everyone smiled and nodded and said hello, and not just in a Minnesota way, but in a small-town way. It felt familiar, and comfortable, and like a nice pause from my chosen urban life that is currently featuring six feet of distance and a hefty dose of public mistrust from every other person behind their masks. I definitely didn’t “fit in” to this small town per say, but neither did I feel the need to disparage it or run away or deny that I spent a significant portion of my life in a town just like it. This, even more than the happier, more relaxed voice in my head, brought home for me the fact that I have changed and am able to embrace peace when it is in front of me.

Change is a funny thing. It can unmoor you. It can make you doubt yourself. Or, if you let it, it can help you to realize a way of being and self-actualization that is beyond your imaginings.

Stay tuned for more musings, for while I have been silent, I have not been idle. My hope is that not only can we as individuals pause, and think, and create change for the better, but that we as a society can do the same.

XOXO,